My heart and I

My heart and I are not friends today. Burdened and heavy. Thankful and anxious. Longing and overwhelmed. Two years ago this month, I lost our baby. Our third baby lost in a year and a half. so loved and cherished, lost too soon. Last year this month, we welcomed our big eyed, gap toothed, brown skinned, chubba cup into our family. He has brought joy and laughter. Frustration and redemption. and a whole lotta sweet! This year, I long to hold my blonde-headed, sweeter than punkin pie, baby girl. My heart is confused. As am I. So much heartbreak, so much joy. Seeing how far we've come, seeing how far we have to go. I feel split in two. I'm afraid this longing will never go away. Longing for all the 153,000,000 orphans. Longing for my sweet babies I won't meet until heaven. The heaviness is there everyday. Thankfully, less noticeable most days. But always lingering. always there. The joy is there everyday. He teaches me how to find it. He opens my heart to accept it. More noticeable some days, trying to make it noticeable everyday. Today is a day my heart has trouble accepting it. So, I must work harder at it. Maybe we'll be friends tomorrow.