Struggle

One of my biggest struggles and downfalls is that I compare. I see things that others are blessed with and secretly long for what they have. Thankfully, I don't struggle with comparing as much as I used to. Unfortunately, though, it still rears it's ugly head every once and a while and I let it steal my joy.

For a while it was pregnancy. In the midst of trying to get pregnant and then loosing 3 babies in a year and a half, it was like everyone around me was pregnant. I would see pregnant women everywhere. Like I had a radar. It would make me so angry to see them with something I wanted so badly. I tortured myself and allowed comparing to steal the joy of what the Lord had already blessed me with.

I've wanted an iPhone for a long time. Lame, I know. I tried and tried to make it seem reasonable to Trey for me to have one. It didn't work and I'm thankful he stood his ground. Why would I need a phone like an iPhone? I don't. I have a computer and internet at home. and I'm always home. I wanted it because everyone else had one. I wanted one because apparently having an iPhone would make me feel like I was worth something. {sad, I know.} I felt bad for myself because I didn't have one and so many others did. I wasn't thankful for what I had and let comparing steal my joy.

The same thing goes for an iPad. I would love to have one to take with us when we travel. The kids would love one. I could keep my clientele and work schedule on it. I've wanted one because everyone else has one. Apparently the computer the Lord blessed us with wasn't good enough and I let it steal my joy.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself because we only have one car. Only having one car means most of the time I'm stuck at home. Which really isn't a big deal. I work from home. The bus picks Trenner up for school. I don't really need to go anywhere. But, because we only have one car, I have let it make me feel inferior. Ridiculous, I know. And I've let it steal my joy.


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 I hear Trenner and Solomon playing in the playroom together. Solomon bumps his head and comes running, crying 'Mama'. I am able to kiss his head and wipe his tears. I am able comfort him. My heart swells. Having my boys together brings me real, true joy. We could have chosen to buy all the things that my worldly flesh desired. I could have a phone I don't need, two cars. Instead, we chose to spend our money differently. The world tells us we need materials to bring us joy. But the world is wrong. My son will bring us joy much longer than any material thing. And our daughter. Our daughter who Trenner prays for every night to come home soon. Our daughter who is waiting for us, I know, is going to bring us unrelenting joy. I have so many blessings to bring me joy, real joy. I just have to choose to see them. Lord, help me see them.