Is she in my head?!?

A few weeks ago, my SIL called me to tell me she was finishing a book I HAD to read! I Love You More (The Divine Surprise of Adopting My Daughter) written by Jennifer Grant. Now, my sis in law reads.lots. Sometimes, I think with her English/Lit background, some of the books she recommends might be a bit beyond me. Then I read her review, (which you can see right here) and waited oh so impatiently for her to pass it on. I started reading it and was blown away. I remember saying to Trey, "It's like she's in my head. Literally reading my mind." Holy cow! The way she addresses and answer questions about adoption is amazing. Reading, I kept saying to myself "Yes! That's what I've been trying to explain to people. Yes! That's exactly how I feel!" If only I was as good as putting my thoughts into words.....As I was finishing the book today, a certain part stuck out to me as I was reading:

"If I've learned anything since adopting Mia, it is that trying to control the opinions of others is a fruitless pursuit. I can't control what others think of her. I can't protect her from people who may say something insensitive to her about her adoption. I can't help it that some people will only see the color of her skin when they look at my daughter. Adopting Mia brought my own limitations out into the light. I want to be liked too much. I doubt myself too much. I fear the disapproval of others too much. I coddle myself, lick my wounds, and I don't trust in God's love for me the way I should. I am quick to forgive others, slow to forgive myself. It's torn off the veneer and helped me to live a little more honestly-which to say, of course, that it's made life harder."

As I read these words, tears came. Her words went straight through me. Her words were me. Others opinions are always on my mind. I'm constantly thinking about whether others like me.agree with me.understand me.  I realize I've cared too much about others opinions more than God's. And I'm realizing that with this line of thinking, I'm constantly setting myself up for failure. Am I truly trusting God? Do I feel He can use our story to further His kingdom? Absolutely! But do I constantly try to it on my own? Unfortunately, yes. Slowly and faithfully, He's changing my mind, thoughts, heart. Each day He asks me to let go of a little more. Let go of what others think of me. Let go of disapproval. Let go of control. Let go of control. Let go of control. (obviously, this is one that I struggle with  daily hourly.) As time nears for us to board a plane for a 21 hour flight, fly halfway across the world to our son, stand in front of a judge who has the authority to make us Love's parents, reality hits. It's not, has not ever, nor will any of it ever be in my control. He has made this path for us. He goes before us and is with us every.step. He's asking for us to trust and obey. Fully. Is it going to be hard. oh.my.yes. Am I going to be uncomfortable at times? Yes. Will it be hard to leave half of my heart here in Swayzee? More than you can imagine. But He doesn't ask of us what we are not capable of doing. So step by step, day after day, through only Him and by only Him am I able loosen my grip a bit at a time and gain so much freedom in His promise. 


***For what it's worth, I HIGHLY recommend this book! If you are connected to adoption, thinking of adopting, or are just fascinated by adoption, please please read this book! It will be making it's rounds around our family and I CANNOT wait for everyone to read it!