by this wounding i will be healed

I am wounded. Like, seriously, deep down, the core of my soul, take my breath away, literally feel a crack in my heart, seriously.can't.breath., cry till tears are no more, screaming at Him, running to Him, no words, wounded. A pain that cannot be described. I have no idea what I need. Only He knows. How can I be so angry at Him, yet need Him so much at the same time. Totally goes against all I have ever done. When I am angry hurt, I run. I separate. I hide. I don't reach out to the One who has let me hurt. I act on unbelief. This time, I will act different. When I come to the fork in my road, with my right foot hovering, waiting to take the next step, I will choose to walk into Him. I will walk by faith, not by light. I will say "I am hurt, angry, so sad, but I know what You say to me through Your word is right. I'm scared but I'll obey anyway." 1 Peter 4:12 says " Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But REJOICE  inasmuch as you participate in the suffering of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when His GLORY is revealed. (emphasis mine) I may not understand any of this until I come to glory, but I will not be enslaved by my disbelief. I will choose to believe that He cries with me. He is disgusted by what sin has done to destroy my body. He will use this suffering for good. "I waited patiently for the Lord; He turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my foot on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalms 40:1 "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God." Psalms 43:5 I will choose to walk a different path. I will choose to put my faith in Him. My God IS BIG ENOUGH. He is bigger than this. He has taken my hopeless and turned it into hopeful. Hopeful. Oh.my. am I hopeful.

"Often a wounding precedes our full reception of God's promises, but healing always follows." Healing always follows. Always. By this wounding I will be healed. Glory to Him.