Truth Serum

In this pretend world of online, this world of blogging, Face Book, Instagram, it's so easy to airbrush truth. I can write what I want to write, show you only pictures of smiling kids, a loving mommy. I can talk about the easy and leave out the hard. I can make my life seem nauseatingly perfect. When I get asked 'How do I do it?' when asked about having 4 littles at home, I pray that I have not been airbrushing our truth. Here's the truth. I don't. I wake up with regrets. I talk harshly to my kids when they don't listen. I talk down to my husband when I'm frustrated or upset. I go to bed with regrets of how I've parented, how I've loved my husband. I, sometimes, have a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I can hold on to a grudge a little too long. I'm not a good friend. I don't take time to send sweet notes. Or bake someone cupcakes. I want to. I have intentions of doing so, but the reality is, I don't. I scream over broken glass. I loose my cool when I have to repeat myself yet again. I disappoint myself with my lack of control when it comes to sweets. I struggle with my body image, have every intention to keep up my work out routine, but an extra 30 minutes of sleep usually wins out. I start multiple books about how to be a better parent/spouse only to get thru chapter two before I forget about it. Then, when I fail as a parent, I get mad at myself for not reading my book. I don't do it. I have gaps. Huge pot hole sized gaps that could swallow a car. But I have Jesus. He fills in where my gaps are. He breaths grace onto, into me. If I let Him, He can take my ugly, dirty truth and clean it up. The flesh part of me wants everyone to see perfect when they look in. But what a shame I would be to be a stumbling block for someone who doesn't know Jesus. Jesus doesn't need us to be perfect, but we need to be honest and real. So, when the outside looks in on us as a family, I don't want them to see perfect. I want them to see our cringe worthy real. To see truth. I don't want people to see me when I parent. I want people to see Jesus when I'm with my kids. I want people to see Jesus when they see Trey and I as a couple. I want to breath out grace and mercy as much as I need to inhale it. I want to live out truth. And the truth is, I don't do it. I can't. He can and does.