He is a God of so many awe-inspiring things. immeasurable things. My testimony proves it. I have/am living it first hand. So why is so hard to follow His lead?
This is something that has haunted me my whole life. I question. I rationalize. I doubt. I waiver. I exchange moments of excitement for moments of fear. I know what He has asked me to do. Then I think I know. Then I wonder if it's really from Him and not of my own desires. Then I don't know. and I seek again. and I'm pretty sure He smacks His hand on His forehead waiting for me to get it.
Hasn't He proved Himself time and time again, even though He didn't have to. While talking with some very special friends last night about their upcoming trip to Uganda to bring their two daughters home, I was struck again. As I reminisced with Trey after they left, my heart became overwhelmed by Him. I remembered and was struck. I was struck by His provision. He provided for us to bring our son home. We had to step out in faith and become most uncomfortable, and really that's the least we could have done. He provided every single penny. And He still is. He has provided money for us to complete Solomon's adoption out of the blue. Every time, it was like I could hear Him say, "Trust me. Please. I know and want what's best for you. Just trust." I was struck by His faithfulness. He stuck with me as I yelled at Him. As I pleaded with Him. As I told Him I didn't trust Him. As I didn't trust His plan that involved loosing my babies. He proved His faithfulness. He brought us to our son. He went before us to court. He intervened at the Embassy when everything was seemed to not be in our favor. My-oh-my did He prove faithful while I was in Uganda without Trey. While I flew for only the third time. This time internationally. with a nine month old by myself! {For any of you who know me, you know how ridiculously huge this is!!} And we actually made it back to US soil. If that doesn't prove His faithfulness, I'm not sure what will. He proves faithful every day. Here, in my home. I see His faithfulness in my first born. In the interactions of my first and second born. I see Him in the faces of my boys when their daddy comes home from work. His faithfulness is overwhelming when I look into my heart now. In the change He has provided over the last 7 months. And I stand in awe and disgust all at the same time. What is my problem?
He has never broken a promise. He may have put His thumb down a time or two to change the direction we were traveling, but what a privilege for that to happen. He's never steered us wrong. He's given us victory after victory. Instead of giving Him full reigns, I give Him boundaries. limitations. In giving Him boundaries and not living by faith, I wonder what treasures I have/am missing out on. All of the wonderful, priceless things He wants to give me that I turn away from because I don't trust Him. Ugh. It breaks my heart. I don't want to miss out anymore.
