I might be barely breathing, but I'm not dead : the Ugly truth

   Saturday the 3rd marked being home 4 weeks. 4 very hard weeks. Gearing up for this adoption, I read a lot of adoption blogs, talked to several women who had adopted rather recently, and had done some research on attachment and such. I always heard adoption was messy. hard. not for the faint of heart. but no one ever gave me the ugly truth. Dealing with the feelings I've had, I've felt guilty. Almost too ashamed to talk about them. Maybe that's why people don't speak of it. Guilt.Shame.Fear. I am totally for adoption, obviously, but I do feel my ugly truth needs to be spoken. I'm not proud of it. Quite opposite. However, since I've become more vocal about my ugly truth, the more I'm hearing that I'm not alone. I only wish I had been told these feelings were normal first. Praying that my truth will help prevent another from feeling so caught off guard. {I'm asking for no judgement here. This is my story. No two stories are alike. Just because I've had trouble doesn't mean you will. This is where the Lord has me right now, and I feel He's leading me to share.}

   It seems as soon as I stepped foot on US soil, our honeymoon phase was over. Reality hit.Hard. I, litterally, felt like I had been hit by a truck. Here I am with this child. This baby that I've prayed for. 2 years I prayed for him. In my home. In my care. Looking to me to fill his needs. And I started suffocating. Never, in all my years of being surrounded by babies, would I have ever thought I would have a hard time adjusting to 2. Holy.Cow. I started longing for the routine that Trenner and I had durring the day. I long for a full night's sleep. I long to be able to walk out of the room to go switch clothes from the washer to the dryer without a baby screaming because he can't see me. I'm sick of dealing with 10 dirty diapers a day. I long for simple. I long for normal. I began to question our decision. I begged God to fix it. I felt like I had ruined our family. I became angry at God, asking Him why He had taken us on this path. In doing some research on the way I was feeling, Trey came accross Post Adoption Depression. I, undoubltably, have been suffering from it. I didn't don't understand why it's so hard for me to love a baby. my baby. Honestly, there have been times that I have SHAMEFULLY thought that if I could send him back I would. Sometimes, I have a hard time looking him in the face. I feel horrible that he has to deal with me as a mother. Like I'm damaging him more. I've never really understood why people pray and ask Jesus to come back right now. Now I know. All the shame, guilt, dirty, ugliness, selfishness I feel daily. I want Jesus to come back now. Once I opened myself up to doubt, the devil has been pouring in lie after lie. God knew what He was doing when He placed us at Brookhaven. He knew what He was doing when He placed me in my Bible study. He knew what He was doing when He placed me with my therapist 2 years ago. He knew I needed to be surrounded by people who would speak truth into my life and point me back to Him.

   Praise Jesus we have an all knowing Father because God knew I would be struggling when we got home. So He gave me truth to cling to. Solomon was meant for our family. The Lord made that very clear. The way He worked our referral out. Bonding with Solo on my first trip. Giving so.so much peace on our second trip. The judge hearing our case even without the missing signature. Answering very specific prayers at a time when I needed to know He was listening. A ruling given early with no problems. Peace He gave me when Trey had to leave. My time at the embassy and getting approved right on the spot. They way He changed my heart on that trip. No matter what lie the devil throws at me, nothing can shake that rock of truth that He set up for me. Solomon is my son. No doubt.

  So now I pray for the Lord to open my eyes. I want to see my son the way He sees him. I pray for the Lord to open my heart. I long to love him the way He loves him. and I'm confident I will. Slowly, things are evolving. Good days are coming more often and bad days are less. My son crawls over too me with his huge, open mouthed, gapped tooth grin when I come in the room and my heart beats full of hope and joy now instead of dread. He's opening places in me I didn't know I had. Dark, ugly places full of spider webs and dirt, and He's cleaning them. minute by minute. It's hard, but I refuse to waste the hard stuff. This mountain feels unexplainably steep, but I know victory is coming. Painful step after painful step. He will give me victory.