Pieces

*fore note- maybe long winded. I apologize! :)

      It seems like this last year was spent picking up pieces. Lots and lots of pieces. Pieces of a broken heart. Pieces of broken relationships. Pieces of myself. Looking back, it is so easy for me to feel sorry for myself and to be reminded of all my pain. However, I'm choosing to see the beauty that came out of my broken pieces. I would not, could not, be in the place I am today without all the hurt, pain, and heartache of the last year.

     This time last year I was recovering from my 2nd miscarriage. Not a good time. I first found out I was pregnant in September of 2009. I went for my regular check up at 9 weeks only to find my sweet baby's heart rate was only half of what it should be. They sent me home telling me it could go two different ways. Either the baby's heart rate would increase and everything would be fine, or, my baby would be no longer. Going home that afternoon, Trey and I were trying to be optimistic, but still keeping the reality of the situation in the back of our minds. I was to wait a week and then go back for another ultrasound. Talk about a long week. My.goodness. The following week we went back for another ultrasound. I knew it wasn't going to be good news. At 10 weeks my sweet baby went to be with it's heavenly Father. 4 days later I had surgery.

     I was heart broken, confused, soo mad furious, and full of soo many questions. Why on earth did this happen to me, to us? We wanted a baby so bad. So many women get pregnant and don't want to be. So many complain and talk about what a burden it is. So many don't care for the children they already have. Why do they get the privilege of having another? I tried to get past the pain. To get past feeling jealous of all the pregnant women I saw. I tried so hard to move on.

     January of 2010 I was pregnant again, only to loose that sweet baby at around 6 weeks. The same devastation started all over again. 

      Thank heavens for good family and Godly friends. Who knows where I would be without them! I felt empty. Incomplete. People would say "well, at least you have Trenner" which was true, but did not take away from the grief of loosing 2 other babies. People would say "everything happens for a reason" Well, that's true to, however, not what I wanted or needed to hear.

     Not long after that, we started attending a new church with some dear friends. I was able to start picking up pieces. One by one. I was now able to take my anger, brokenness, and frustration to the only One who could help me. I was able to start praying for His will in my life. I prayed and prayed that He would take the suffocating feeling away that consumed me. My desire to be pregnant again. That He would release me from all the pain. Oh is He ever faithful. I am whole. I am complete because I am His. He has picked up the pieces. He has put them back together. He and only He has made me whole. And now, I will choose to live my life according to His will, not mine. Where that leads is to be continued.....

My son the...... gymnast?!?

   In order to take care of some of Trenner's wintertime, pent up energy, we enrolled him in to Gymnastics , oh, I uhh mean Tumbling. (Trey informed me if we do sign him up we will call it Tumbling). And, oh my, it has totally been worth it. He gets a chance to run, jump, do forward rolls, cart-wheels, and hang from bars. Everyday when we leave he says "Mommy, I'm tired!" and I say "Exactly!"

For anyone who doesn't know Trenner, he is all boy ALL the time. Sooo, it is particularly funny when he has to do an arabesque or put his hands in the air and say "TaDa!"

I want to be a Trader

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So often we pray for patients or for strength to stand up for what we believe in. God, however, is not just going to poof up patients or strength. He will, though, present us with opportunities to be patient or to stand up for what we believe. What will you do with your opportunity?

Just a glimpse

Here's a glimpse into our snow filled, trying to stay warm, counting down the hours (literally) until his daddy, my hero, gets home from work kinda day....

Oh how i love these days!

  "Abba, Father," he said, "everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will." Mark 14:36

  Not my will, but Your will? For me, that is an incredibly hard thing to pray. I have my ideas of what my life should be. I have my dreams, my goals. But am I willing to give those up for His will? Boy oh boy am I trying struggling to do so. We think we know what He has called for us to do. Then, Baaaamm, we get smacked in the face. He knows what my future is. He has stitched together all the pieces of my life. I am in His hands, and wouldn't want to be any other place.  

Steadfast

"So then, brothers and sisters, stand firm and hold fast to the teachings we passed on to you, whether by word of mouth or by letter. May our Lord Jesus Christ himself and God our Father, who loved us and by his grace gave us eternal encouragement and good hope, encourage your hearts and strengthen you in every good deep and word." 2 Thessalonians 2:15-17


     I'm being made more and more aware how rough this journey really may be. Sly comments, attitudes, ignorance. I cannot control such things. I, however, can control how I react, how I deal with people, and Who I take my concerns to. I remind myself daily who really matters in the journey.....

 my core family.

my Father. 

As much as I need, would LOVE to have ALL of my family support and understand what we are doing and why, I realize it's not what matters the most. The most important thing for me is knowing that when I finally GET to meet Him, He will say "Well done good and faithful servant." I want to put what He wants first. I want people to see Him when they see us. This is why I will stand steadfast. Through Him I will find peace, encouragement, and strength. 

*photo taken by the verrrrry talented Jade Metz

Deny no more

Proverbs 24:12

"... once our eyes are opened, we cannot pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows that we know, and holds us responsible to act."